When Personal Growth Looks Like not Doing Something

I didn’t do something today. It felt personally significant to not do this thing, far more significant than it would have felt to do it. 

Stripping away the tedious details, the process of not doing went something like this:

1. Notice Deadline

I noticed a deadline on my calendar this morning: Today is the last day to submit a project for an upcoming conference. 

2. Reflect

I do not want to go to this conference but thought I should do it anyway. Perhaps something interesting or useful would come of it. 

3. Do (part of) the Thing

I put together a proposal. 

4. Do (more of) the Thing

I filled out an entire online form. 

5. Do Nothing

I did not hit the “submit” button. 

I had some trepidation about this decision. But the fact is that I was only considering this opportunity because I thought that others expected it, or something very like it, from me. 

It has taken me years to be able to not accept this opportunity, to turn my back on this potential achievement that has no appeal to me. I came this close--I even looked up my office phone number, which i can never remember, to enter on the proposal form. 

I escaped, and I didn’t even notice how narrow and significant the escape was until hours later, when my internal calendar alert--more persistent than any electronic device--pinged again, reminding me of the midnight deadline, now mere hours away. 

Saying “no” to something in a culture of achievement is harder than saying “yes” and just doing the work. For me today, that is the point.